In this chapter I was quite appalled by the way the book detailed how you should parent. It states that you have to explain your dcisions to your children or they willl turn out "unhappy, have low self esteem and [become] overly aggressive." Page 254. The book also says that if you are a permissive parent where you allow your child to make their own decisions then they will turn out "impulsive and have little self control." This is absolutely false.
I was allowed to do what I like as a child. My mother was very "permissive". Because my mother treated me with respect and trusted me to make good decisions, I became responsible, had excellent grades, graduated early from high school and was out of the house on my own by 17 years old. She showed me by example what was right, but I was never told no. My parents let me stretch my wings out as far as I could and let me fall if I made a mistake. By giving me freedom and encouraging me to make my own desicions, they gave me the ability to think out problems on my own, be self-reliant and, above all, self-control.
On the other hand, I grew up surrounded by "authoratative" parents whose children were miserable, failing school, lying about where they were, shoplifting, having unsafe sex and a miriade of other inappropriate behaviour. I grew up in Lynden, where there was a lot of involved parents that had high control. We like to put everything is nice, neat little boxes, but the truth is that parenting is too individualized.
What one child needs is not what another needs. Some children need an authoritarian parent that shows less warmth but has high control. Some need authoritative parenting, which is high involvement and high control. Some need permissive parents, where there is high involvement and low control. And, let's face it, some children are better off with their parent not being involved or have any control. It completely depends on the child and the parent.
Also, on page 255, the book states, "Parents of higher socioeconomic status are, by definition, more educated and consequently often see development as a more complex process requiring the more nuanced and child friendly approach that marks authoritative parenting. Parents who are relatively uneducated often find themselves employed in positions where they're used to taking orders from others; when they're home, these parents reverse roles and order their children around. "
Socioeconomic status (SES) is an economic and sociological combined total measure of a person's work experience and of an individual's or family's economic and social position in relation to others, based on income, education, and occupation.
According to the definition of socioeconomics, it's a total measure of everything put together, not just education. Being educated does not, in any way, mean that you have more money. In fact, a huge percentage of our educated population are under paid teachers being ordered around and scraping for raises. Maybe people who are bossed around all day come home and treat their children with respect because they don't want to treat their children like they are treated at work. Maybe they go home and realax instead of bringing stress home. Maybe people with more money aren't really involved in their children's lives, allowing nannies to raise their children. I fail to see how that statement has any clout or truth in it.
We need to stop interfering with how people choose to raise their children. We need to stop judging and realize that every parent and child relationship is different. Their is too many wasted resources in this country going towards judging parents who are trying their best, when those resources should be helping children that really are being abused. Let's take a step back, stop analyzing, and trust a parent to know how their child works and what's best for them.
I can understand your criticism to the view presented in the book. However, the definitions of parenting style are based on extremes, in my understanding. So, a permissive parenting style is the one where parents don't establish any rules or limits, for example, these parents would allow their teenager children to throw a sex sleep over party at home. The article "Parenting: the lost Art" describes that situation better.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you though that children and parents have their unique characteristics and could not have a universal recipe of parenting, or a label. But, I also agree that categorization facilitates the understanding of a subject - like skin color, there are different shades of dark skin yet they are under an umbrella called "dark or black".
The categorization is just to facilitate our understanding and, at least to me, it doesn't mean the variations between each category are considered. I think the book gives us a hint about that when it says “Thus, children typically thrive on a parental style that combines control, warmth, and affection" (page 254).
Furthermore, on page 255 there is a nice paragraph that clarifies the issue: “Dimensions and styles are general characterizations of how parents typically behave…Nevertheless; the price for such broad description is that it tells us little about how parents behave in specific situations…”
I don’t think the intention of the book, Psychology or any part of scientific research is to dictate how parents should raise their kids. Instead, I think it aims to understand better the biological and psychological processes involved in behavior. But I agree with you that many people might use this knowledge to judge parenting style of others.
I agree with you completely. I disliked how the book labeled the type of children based on a type of parenting, yet in previous chapters it was stressed that each child is different and has different needs. I think that their are positive aspects from each type of parenting listed, and the list isn't even an accurate one. There are so many combinations of parenting styles and I think many types should be explored depending on yourself and your child. Parenting styles should also be open to change as you both grow.
ReplyDeleteI agree that each parent child relationship is different and needs different types of parenting. though if i recall correctly the book does say that one type of parenting is basically the middle ground of control and warmth that most children do really well with.
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